


The Jacques Wars

by emmiebee



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Gen, I am so sorry for this, Sad French Boi Hours Extended Universe, band au (sort of), feral nicky rights, in this house we stan marco ramirez, it's the band's youtube channel, nicky is DONE with jacques, yes this is a thing now, youtube au (sort of)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:54:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26167474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmiebee/pseuds/emmiebee
Summary: "You see this, Jacques? This is what happens when I am sleep deprived and pissed off. You have toyed with me for the last time, demon bird. You are going down. This. Is. War.”Nicky takes over the Sad French Boi Hours YouTube channel and declares war on Jacques. Chaos ensues.
Relationships: Booker/OC, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 17
Kudos: 45





	1. The Bird Is Going Down

"Alright, we're recording."

"Ok." (deep breath) "Hello everyone, it's Nicky, taking over the official Sad French Boi Hours YouTube channel for the day. Joe's here too, he's filming. Say hello, Joe."

"Hi guys.”

“Everyone else is asleep at the moment, seeing as it is three in the morning here in Italy, where we are currently on tour. And the two of us should be asleep as well, but we haven’t been getting nearly enough sleep lately, have we my love?”

“We have not.”

“Would anyone like to know why that is?”

“Tell them, Nicky.”

(clears throat) “As you well know, our lives have been invaded by a demonic being by the name of Jacques. Now normally I tolerate Jacques, because of the joy he brings to our Sebastien, but I will not stand for this any longer. The parrot seems to have made it his personal agenda to make me suffer, and I intend to do the same.”

“Wait, wait, Nicolo… you’re not going to kill the parrot, are you?”

“Of course not, Yusuf, you know me. Would I do that?”

“Well no, but there’s an odd gleam in your eyes, my heart, and you’re kind of holding your sword…”

“Hmm? Oh, I didn’t notice. I must have reached for it unconsciously.”

“Yeah…”

“No matter. So you see, dear fans, something needs to be done about this threat to my well-being. And I have had a perfect idea. Joe, follow me, if you will.”

***********************************************************************************

“What are we doing here?”

“Excellent question, Yusuf, and I will get to that shortly. Everyone, this room that we are in here is our equipment room, where we keep our performance costumes, makeup, and whatever else. Over here, in this drawer, is the collection of tiny articles of clothing that Booker has lovingly hand made for his bird. There, you see?”

“Ok, that still doesn’t explain what we’re- Nicolo! What are you- why are you taking everything out of the drawer? Nicky!”

“This bird is a monster. If I don’t get to sleep at night, he doesn’t get tiny hats. This is what must be done.”

“Nicky, Nicky hayati please think about this- Nicky- NO NOT YOUR SWORD-”  
(long-suffering sigh) “In case those watching can’t tell what is happening, the love of my life just took out a sword and is laying waste to Jacques’ tiny hats, ties, sunglasses, and other such articles. Nicolo, seriously, don’t you think this is a bit much?”

“Oh no, it is just enough. You see this, Jacques? This is what happens when I am sleep deprived and pissed off. You have toyed with me for the last time, demon bird. You are going down. This. Is. War.”

(camera off)


	2. It's On, Nicky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aw fuck, I can't believe you've done this.  
>  -Booker

“Good morning people, it is currently nine in the morning in Italy, and I, Sebastien Le Livre, am about to commit murder.”

“Hi, Nile here too, I do not condone murder I’m just here to man the camera.”

“As I commit murder. There is nothing you can do to stop me.”

“Okay. But, uh, would you mind explaining why you’re going to commit murder?”

“Gladly, Nile. You see, I have a collection of hats and other such articles that I HAND MADE MYSELF for the love of my life, Jacques. Today, when I went to go pick out an outfit for Jacques, as I do every day, especially on performance days, which is what today is, I discovered EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE CREATIONS DESTROYED. And THEN I see a video posted to this very YouTube channel of our very own Nicolo di Genova performing this heinous act himself. I am heartbroken, my friends, utterly heartbroken. I can’t believe this has happened.”

“To be fair, Book, Jacques has been giving Nicky hell for a long time…”

“Yes, but we’re working on that! Marco and I have been training him! He’s getting better! And his tiny hats… Come on, Nile, the hats didn’t deserve that.”

“Yeah, they really didn’t.”

“And today was going to be a good day, too! It’s our first tour performance in Italy tonight, AND my boyfriend is coming here from LA to see us. But now? Something must be done about this, Nile, and I think I have an idea.”

“Wait what?”

(looks directly into camera) “You want war, Nicky? Well, you’ve got it. Team Jacques is about to crush you like a bug. Now, we just have to wait until later in the day…”

*******************************************************************************

“Alright guys, we’re back, it is now evening and we are getting ready for the concert. Nicky is in the bathroom putting on eyeliner, and he has left his sword unattended for the time being. I have also brought Jacques, who is royally pissed off and desperate for revenge. Isn’t that right, Jacques?”

“SQUAWK!”

“I know, sweetheart, I know. Don’t worry. He’ll pay for what he’s done to you.”  
“Uh-huh, right sure, Book. But um.. How exactly?”

“Watch and learn my young apprentice. Do you see this here?”

“...Yeah.”

“This is a tub of water. And this is Nicky’s sword. And THIS is the freezer. Do you see where I’m going?”

“Uh… No?”

“I see. Maybe this will help.” 

(splash, freezer door opening and closing)

“Did- did you just FREEZE Nicky’s sword???”

“You bet your ass I did. No one messes with my bird. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go put temporary purple streaks in my hair.”

“Uh.. Ok. Well. That was… yeah. We’ll see what happens next, I guess. Uh.. Come see the show tonight! Bye! Nile out.”


	3. Live Q&A With the Band: The Jacques Wars Begin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The band answers questions from their fans!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok this might be a little confusing: if anyone's wondering, Andy is the one running the whole thing, I think the rest of the dialogue should be easy to figure out in terms of who says what, some lines can be anyone. If you need further clarification, let me know!

“Ok, is everyone situated? Are we ready? Booker, that better not be the last of my vodka. Joe, you know there’s room for everyone on the couch, you don’t have to sit on Nicky’s lap.”

“I know.”

“Ok, ok, yeah, is everyone- Oh shit we’re already live.”

“Wait we are?”

“I think so? Do you really expect me to know how to operate the technology?”

“We’re live.”

“Thank you, someone who actually knows what they’re doing around here. Ok, so, I’ll just start, shall I?”

“No, Andy, we should sit here in awkward silence for a few hours first.”

“I’m going to ignore that. Anyway, hello Sad French Boi Hours fandom! Andy here, with the rest of the squad. Say hi and introduce yourselves, guys.”

“Sup. It’s Booker. Jacques is here too, but he’s in his cage because we don’t want anyone to die.”

“Hi everyone! It’s Nile. I hope you’re all doing well!”

“Hey there, Joe al-Kaysani, aka the most talented and most fashionable guitarist of all time.”

“Nicky. Hello.”

“In case you couldn’t tell, Nicky is grumpy.”

“I have good reason to be! Sebastien froze my sword.”

“Nicky cut up Jacques’ tiny hats.”

“Jacques tried to kill me! Multiple times.”

“We’re working on that!”

“Ok, boys, we can get into that later. For now, let’s just start the Q&A. Oh wait, I forgot, Marco’s here too. Somewhere.”

“I think he’s hiding.”

“Why the fuck is he hiding?”

“I don’t want to intrude! This is you guys’ thing, and I’m not part of the band.”

“Bitch, we owe you Booker’s mental health. You’re practically family. Get your ass over here. In case anyone is new to the fandom, or hasn’t been following our social medias or anything, this is Marco Ramirez, our number one fan, sometimes roadie, guest star of a good amount of our music videos, and a fucking incredible therapist. Oh, and he’s also Book’s boyfriend.”

“Hi.”

“So, we’re here in Italy, we just did a concert, and it was pretty amazing. We’re currently promoting our second album, Keep On Living, which is being released in about a month. We’re doing this stream to answer questions from you guys, and just generally have fun. So go on, ask away. Anything goes.”

“I still can’t believe you froze my sword.”

“I can’t believe you murdered my tiny hats.”

“Oh, hey, while we’re on this topic, here’s a good question. Why does Jacques hate Nicky?”

“Thank you, Nile, that’s an excellent question. Jacques?”

(silence) “Jacques has decided to remain silent on the issue. Book? Any ideas?”

“Honestly? No. He’s such a sweetheart to everyone else, it doesn’t make sense.”

“Maybe he doesn’t like Italians.”

“Excellent point, Nile.”

“Thanks.”

“Ooh here’s a really good one: Is Andy single?”

“Depends, who’s asking?”

“Uh, someone named BeefCake72.”

“Then no. I’m married.”

“To who?”

“It’s a secret. Now, let’s see… Oh! How did we come up with the band name?”

“Now that’s a fun story. Right Booker?”

“Please don’t.”

“Please do. I want to hear this.”

“Babe! Not you too.”

“Go on, Joe.”

“Well you see, Booker was once (and still is sometimes) a sad french boi. And he would go mope for hours sometimes, hence the Sad French Boi Hours.”

“I hate you all. Except for you Jacques. You’re an angel who can do no wrong.”

“That bird is NOT an angel. In fact, it’s a demon.”

“BOYS. How many times do I have to tell you?”

“Sorry Andy.”

“It’s fine. Oh, here’s a good one. How did we all meet?”

“We met… uh, good question. It was at university, right Andy?”

“Right, Joe. University. The University of…”

“Andromache. Andromache University. In Scythia.”

“Yes, thank you, Nicky. Now, if you try to look up this university, it won’t appear, because… well, because…”

“It burned down. A horrible fire. In- the 80s. Lots of people died.”

“Yeah, but that also didn’t make the news, Booker, because it- there was a conspiracy.”

“Yes, a conspiracy. I believe-”

“I think that’s all that needs to be said about it, right guys?”

“Oh no, please keep going, this is fascinating.”

“Shut up, Ramirez. So yeah, that’s how we met. Joe and Nicky totally had this whole goth/jock thing going on. They HATED each other at first. They probably would have killed each other at some point, if they weren’t mortal. Which they are. They’re mortal. We’re all mortal.”

“Thank you for clarifying that, Andy.”

“You’re welcome. Oh ok, here’s a really good one. Why does Nicky have a sword? Lots of people are wondering about that. Nicky?”

“I have a sword so I can exact vengeance upon my enemies. Enemies such as Jacques, who-”

“Alright, Nicolo, my love, maybe let’s not-”

“No, actually, I think we should go into this. I see a lot of comments saying Team Jacques or Team Nicky. You’re really serious about this, aren’t you, Nicky, Booker?”

“Hell yeah we’re serious.”

“He FROZE my SWORD Andy.”

“Yeah yeah, ok. So… we should set some guidelines. First of all- no actual violence. If either of you accidentally goes too far, this stops immediately. I’m not taking either side, because I think this is dumb, but others can choose whichever side. Fair?”

“I would like to stay neutral as well.”

“Really, Marco? No Team Jacques for you?”

“I have a feeling we might need a sort of mediator for some of these situations, and I would like to volunteer, if you don’t mind.”

“Perfect. Alright then. Let the Jacques Wars begin.”


	4. Team Nicky Hang!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The captains of Team Nicky take a minute to recap their efforts in the war so far, and plan for the future.

"Hello again Team Nicky! Joe and Nicky here, BOTH in front of the camera for once!"

"Which Yusuf is ridiculously excited about, for some reason."

“I just love being here with you, my heart.” 

“And I love having you here with me, amore.”

“Oh god why.”

“Did you guys hear that? That was Booker, who I would just like to remind is actually in a relationship himself, and therefore can no longer make fun of ours.”

“Fuck you, Joe.”

“No that’s Nicky’s job.”

“Alright moving on from that-”

“Aw look he’s blushing!”

“Joe.”

“Would you like me to tell the fans all about how much I love it when you pin me to the wall and-”

“YUSUF.”

“Fine. It’s their loss.”

“I’m leaving.”

“You’re not even supposed to be in this video, Book. This is Team Nicky time. Get out.”

“And take the demon with you, please.”

(door closes)

“Alright, he’s gone. Now we can get back to our nefarious plotting.”

“I think we should do the recap first.”

“Right, the recap. Do you want to do the honors?”

“You’re much better at words than I, my love.”

“My Nicolo… an angel on this earth. If there were only words for how much light you bring to my life-”

“The recap, Joe.”

“Fine, fine. My declarations of undying love will have to wait. So, I’m just going to give a quick recap of our war against Jacques so far, in case anyone has missed it. About a month ago, at the beginning of our tour, Nicky declared war on Booker’s bird son Jacques by destroying his tiny hats. Jacques, acting through Booker, then froze Nicky’s sword in a block of ice. After that, Nicky gave them both the silent treatment for an ENTIRE WEEK. He refused to speak or move whenever either of them was in the room, no matter how much they provoked him (and they did). It was a truly impressive feat of will. The video compilation is up on our channel, entitled ‘Quiet as a Mouse: The Jacques Wars Continue’.”

“I think that was the longest I’ve ever given anyone the silent treatment. I’m very proud of that.”

“I’m proud of you as well, although I still can’t believe you kept it up even when Book and Nile painted ‘Team Jacques’ in neon block letters on your face.”

“I am a warrior. I do not back down.”

“And how I love you for it.”

(pause)

“The re-”

“The recap, right. So after the silent treatment, Booker trained Jacques to start screaming whenever he saw Nicky. And I mean whenever. It never stopped.”

“My eardrums still hurt.”

“Nicky’s eardrums still hurt. We don’t yet know if he’ll ever fully recover. So anyway, after that, the natural thing to do was to return the favor. So Nicky started screaming every time he saw Jacques. As you can imagine, that was not received very well by anyone, Nicky and Jacques constantly screaming at each other.”

“Andy was not having it.”

“So that ended pretty quickly. And now we are trying to figure out what Team Nicky’s next move is. And that ends the recap.”

“So, we were wondering, does anyone have any ideas? We’re live streaming this so you can put it in the chat and we will monitor it.”

(a moment of silence)

“Someone says we should just flirt in front of Booker until he gives up- You know, I think that might work. And I will always take an opportunity to wax poetic about my Nicolo.”

“Oh my love- wait. Wait. I have just had a brilliant idea.”

“You have?”

“I have. Joe, go get a piece of paper and a writing implement. We’re going to put those poetic words of yours to good use.”

“We are? How?”

(whispering in ear)

(laughing) “My light, you are a GENIUS. This is going to be amazing. Jacques won’t know what hit him.”


	5. Team Jacques Update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little info about what Team Jacques has been up to this past week!

“This is a terrible idea.”

“Do you have any others?”

“...No.”

“Exactly. Do you have the supplies?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Okay, then- Oh fuck the camera’s already on.”

“It is? Oh. Well hi guys, this is Nile. I get to be in front of the camera today!”

“Yaaaay. You all already know who I am. If you don’t, why the hell are you here? Ok, ok, fine, Nile please stop glaring at me like that. I’m Booker, and THIS is Jacques. Say hello to your adoring fans, my love.”

“SQUAWK.”

“Excellent job, Jacques.”

“Thank you Nile.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Anyway, as you all know, there’s been this war going one between Nicky and Jacques for the past month or so. I’m pretty sure Joe and Nicky are doing a recap of it right now, so if you need a refresher go check that out. In the meantime, we here at Team Jacques headquarters-”

“By which he means his boyfriend’s hotel room.”

“We here at Team Jacques headquarters have been working on planning our grand finale. Nile, would you like to tell them our idea?”

“I would love to. So we were thinking that to end the war once and for all, we would need a show of peace. Something big. So we thought, what if we could get Jacques to give a sort of display of affection towards Nicky? That would be the ultimate final way to end this. So over the past week or so, Booker and I have been attempting-”

“Key word there is attempting.”

“Attempting to train Jacques to react positively to Nicky. We’ve used lots of different methods, some of which include Nicky masks and cardboard cutouts of Nicky-”

“I told you not to mention that!”

“It’s relevant information.”

“Whatever. Nile, I believe you put together a presentation to demonstrate our progress so far?”

“I have! And if you don’t mind, I am going to show that now.”

“Go ahead.”

“Alright. So first we have a compilation of us placing the cardboard cutouts in random places to scare Nicky when he walks in on them.”

“Wait that ‘s not-”

“It’s important. Do you want to see the presentation or not?”

…

“And now we have a compilation of me, Nile, scaring Joe while wearing the Nicky mask.”

…

“This here is a slideshow of all the injuries we have sustained during training sessions.”

…

“Now a compilation of Booker singing quietly when he thinks no one can hear him.”

“WHAT?”

…

“Now for my personal favorite part, the compilation of Book staring lovingly at Jacques/talking to him in baby talk.”

“Nile, I swear I will kill you.”

“Nah.”

…

“And last but not least, a compilation of Book lying facedown on the floor and groaning in frustration with wii music playing over it.”

“I hate you.”

…

“And that’s it! I hope you enjoyed my presentation!”

“I certainly didn’t.”

“SQUAWK.”

“Jacques liked it! Thank you Jacques.”

“He did not.”

“He did, he just said.”

“Jacques Baguette Alberto le Livre! I can’t believe you would betray me like this.”

“SQUAWK.”

“Don’t you dare use that kind of language with me, young man.”

“SQUAWK.”

“I have chosen to ignore that. Anyway, today we were planning on taking a break from training and instead are going to work on replenishing Jacques’ stock of tiny hats. I had Nile bring some different fabrics. Nile? Nile? Nile!”

“Ah! Sorry! I was just- have you seen this?”

“What is that?”

“It’s a video that just got posted to the Sad French Boi Hours YouTube channel.”

“Yeah? Team Nicky has been busy.”

“Yeah, it seems so.”

“Well, what is it?”

“It’s… Holy shit, Joe wrote a diss poem about Jacques!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dudes if anyone has any questions for an interview with Andy, please drop them here!


	6. JOE MURDERS JACQUES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> joe roasts jacques (feat. supportive husband nicky)

“Hello and welcome back to Team Nicky. Joe and I have just finished something that we think will take Jacques down once and for all, isn’t that right my love?”

“Indeed it is, my heart. Jacques, I hope you’re watching this, because you are about to be DESTROYED. Oh, by the way someone in the comments previously asked if I would consider getting a scarlet macaw. The answer is most definitely no, as I don’t want even a chance of the bird hating Nicky the way Jacques does.”

“Aww thank you love.”

“Always, darling. Shall we?”

“Take it away, Joe.”

“Alright. So this is a poem that I wrote, entitled ‘Dear Jacques’. I hope you like it.”

*clears throat*

“Dear Jacques,  
There is inner beauty in every being,  
A spark in every soul.  
Except for you, you foul beast,  
Your soul is a lump of coal. 

My heart is capable of endless love,  
For all creatures great and small,  
However, whenever I see you there  
I feel no love at all

You’re so ugly, you made an onion cry  
Simply by existing  
I can’t even look when you fly by  
You make me wish my eyes were missing

Some cause happiness wherever they go  
Some whenever they leave  
I can safely say, if you left this world  
No one would ever grieve. 

So keep in mind, oh birdy mine,  
The words I say to thee  
Fuck you and all that you stand for  
Love, Joe and Nicky.”

*video ends*

**Author's Note:**

> if you want, feel free to leave comments and/or questions like you would on the youtube video, they may make an appearance in future installments of this work ;)


End file.
